update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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