Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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