Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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