man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
