As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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