he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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