i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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