I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
