He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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