he wants to bone in the snuggie
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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