I will die if light touches me.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
