i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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