I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
