Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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