it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
