The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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