It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
