Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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