I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
