Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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