I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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