i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
