I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
