Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
