I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
