I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Dicks are not precious.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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