dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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