after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
