Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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