Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
