I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
