I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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