Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
