be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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