we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
