He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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