she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
