I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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