So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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