That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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