i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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