My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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