saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
