At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
