3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
