In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
