Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
