jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
