I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
