I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
